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Jokes and Humor
The Microsoft Car At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy anew car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. THINGS NOT TO DO IN THE NUDE 10. Fry bacon 9. Arc weld 8. Bathe a cat 7. Operate a snow blower 6. Clear a patch of poison ivy 5. Insulate the attic with fibreglass 4. Operate a lathe 3. Present a childrens television show 2. Take Mass with the Pope And the Number 1 thing not to do in the nude: 1. Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk Badtimes Virus If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet. It will completely re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It also demagnetizes the strips on all your credit cards, reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your icecream melts and your milk curdles. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your soda and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. When executed "Badtimes" will also give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. "Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease and brown patch. If the "Badtimes" mail message is opened in a Windows 95 environment it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. Top 47 Oxymorons 47. Act naturally 46. Found missing 45. Resident alien 44. Advanced BASIC 43. Genuine imitation 42. Airline Food 41. Good grief 40. Same difference 39. Almost exactly 38. Government organization 37. Sanitary landfill 36. Alone together 35. Legally drunk 34. Silent scream 33. American history 32. Living dead 31. Small crowd 30. Business ethics 29. Soft rock 28. Butt Head 27. Military Intelligence 26. Software documentation 25. New York culture 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 09. Political science 08. Tight slacks 07. Definite maybe 06. Pretty ugly 05. Twelve-ounce pound cake 04. Diet ice cream 03. Working vacation 02. Exact estimate And the Number one top OXY-Moron 01. Microsoft Works From An Actual Trial Transcript Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." Ways To Annoy People Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. Specify that your drive through order is "to go." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information on scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the tint on your TV so all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Staple papers in the middle of the page. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re- route whole streets. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.When nearly done, announce, "No wait, I messed it up" and repeat. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what gender they are While making a presentation, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they slow down. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you >> which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold. A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS 1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood. 2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. 5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. 7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. 9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre toothed tigers etc The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. 12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying? Little James Little James was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked on him to answer a question. "James," she said, "if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied James, "because I would shoot one and the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer I was looking for is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Then Little James said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" The teacher blushed and answered meekly, "Well, I'm not sure. I guess the one sucking the cone..." "No," said Little James, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!" POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Is so dense, light bends around her. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door. 1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. More coming soon.... Contents:
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